The Support We Owe Parents

My kids sometimes say that I am the best mom in the world. Although I try to live up to the hype, I have to politely disagree, at least internally. Maybe the innate guilt comes with the job, but looking back to the beginning, I can see how I could have done better. Why don’t we do better? I believe it’s often because we don’t have the tools.

While my story is personal, it reflects a much larger, often-overlooked issue in our society: the lack of mental health support available to parents. One of the most crucial first steps in being ‘the best mom in the world’ is knowing who you are. For some, this comes easily. I thought I did, but when my firstborn turned out to be twins, that self-image was immediately put to the test.

Compounding the challenge of figuring out how to diaper, feed, soothe, and care for not one but two newborns, one of my sons would later be diagnosed with several learning and physical disabilities and a physical condition invisible to the eye. At three weeks old, it was clear that he was different. He cried constantly. He didn’t sleep. He had difficulty eating and swallowing. For the next eight years, we navigated a long road through misdiagnoses and uncertainty before finally getting answers. Today, he is a healthy and very happy 12-year-old in sixth grade, but the journey to get here was anything but easy.

As a toddler, he struggled with fine motor skills, gross motor skills, and speech. He still couldn’t form words by the time he was two. When he tried to sit up, his weak abdominal muscles caused him to fall backward, often hitting his head. Yes, I brought pillows to cushion him everywhere he sat, but sometimes I had to catch his twin brother, full charge to an electrical socket with a wet, recently sucked thumb outstretched. Good times.

Like many new parents, I faced the journey of early intervention. But while we focus on intervention for children, we rarely discuss the support parents need to manage the stress, frustration, and fear of raising a child who might not develop in a “typical” way. Studies show that parents of children with special needs experience significantly higher rates of anxiety and depression, yet mental health support specifically tailored for them is scarce. “When parents experience untreated mental health challenges, it can affect the entire family system, increasing stress and potentially impacting a child’s development and emotional health,” notes the American Psychological Association. Studies show that stress in parents is linked to increased anxiety in children, underscoring the importance of mental health support for the whole family.

One of the scariest moments came when my son was about three. He and his brother were exuberantly jumping on the couch, toys scattered everywhere in our tiny apartment on the Hudson just across from Manhattan. He fell off, missing the protective pillows. I watched in horror as his face turned pale and his lips went blue. My mother-in-law was there to give him mouth-to-mouth while I called 9-1-1. He survived without any known damage, but the blackouts became more frequent, often triggered by minor incidents.

After multiple inconclusive tests, we finally got an answer: he had a severe Chiari malformation, a condition where part of the brain presses on the spinal cord. Our incredible pediatric neurosurgeon told us it was one of the worst he had seen, and surgery became necessary. Thankfully, the operation stopped the blackouts, eased his constant headaches, and allowed him to become a much happier and more affectionate child.

Not long after, he was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder, ADHD, and possibly dyslexia. His dedicated second-grade teacher, Orton-Gillingham-certified, even took her lunch break to come to our home and teach him reading strategies. These diagnoses and supports were crucial but came only after years of searching.

This is, in many ways, a story about my son. But it’s also a story about what it’s like to be a mother trying to manage the moods and needs of one child with complex medical issues while staying emotionally present for his twin brother—and for my third son, born just before my twins turned two. The truth is, while Chiari malformation is rare, having multiple children and managing ADHD or other diagnoses is not. And yet, where are parents supposed to find emotional support in a society that largely expects us to “figure it out” alone?

My experience made me realize how critical it is for parents to receive the emotional support they need to be present for their children. Without accessible mental health resources, many parents face an uphill battle. Studies show that when parents are better supported, children experience lower stress levels and stronger emotional well-being. Creating low-cost, widely available mental health resources for parents could be an essential step toward healthier families overall.

We need help. Our children need us to have help. We are constantly told we cannot be great parents if we don’t care for ourselves, but where are the resources that make this possible? According to Mental Health America, “56% of adults with mental health conditions receive no treatment at all.” Accessing resources is a challenge for parents, especially those raising children with special needs. “Many parents are unaware of the mental health support available to them, and stigma around seeking help can create additional barriers,” notes the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI). NAMI highlights that overcoming this stigma and ensuring parents have access to support is essential for healthier family dynamics.

I am grateful and fortunate to have had friends to rely on for distraction, a husband who took on his share of emotional weight, and a mother-in-law who would step in to help. My mother was only a phone call away. I would call her almost daily for “pity parties,” where I could cry, vent, and feel heard. I was lucky to have this network. However, not every parent has the same support.

It’s time for our society to offer the support parents need to be the people their children need them to be. Accessible mental health resources for parents aren’t just about individual families—they offer broader economic and societal benefits by improving health outcomes and reducing healthcare costs over time. By investing in the mental well-being of parents, we are investing in the mental well-being of the next generation.